In honour of the 100th Titanic anniversary, I am posting one of my very favourite quotes of all time.
"Well, yes, ma'am, I do... I mean, I got everything I need right here with me. I got air in my lungs, a few blank sheets of paper. I mean, I love waking up in the morning not knowing what's gonna happen or who I'm gonna meet, where I'm gonna wind up. Just the other night I was sleeping under a bridge and now here I am on the grandest ship in the world having champagne with you fine people. I figure life's a gift and I don't intend on wasting it. You don't know what hand you're gonna get dealt next. You learn to take life as it comes at you... to make each day count."
I want to express here that I'm not against relationships.
I don't have negative feelings about relationships. We are free to do what we want, when we want and that is marvellous. So if being in a relationship makes you happy, then I am so happy for you. And if being single makes you happy, then I am so happy for you.
I was speaking with someone a few days ago and we joked about "my take" on relationships...
I thought this was hilarious. And still feel it was a funny joke however, I was thinking about my real take on relationships today and think that maybe I should clear up that I'm not really against relationships. At all.
I think love is one of the very best things in the world. It's one of the only forms of magic that doesn't involve any tricks or spells and is completely real. It's pure. It's comforting, thrilling, stomach-flipping, "reach for the stars, over the fence, world series kind of stuff." And that's nothing to scoff at. Someone who refuses to love is probably scared to. Give them time. They'll come around.
So now I've got to thinking about myself and how I may have sounded to others for the past several years. And perhaps it's my own fault for creating the confusion. I've said things like "I'm not a relationship person anymore" and that's not entirely true. If the right person comes along and has me swept completely off my feet and I know that in my heart, this is right then I will be in a relationship. I will be more than happy and more than willing to put my entire self into that relationship and give him every part of me from my heart to my home, my family, friends, advice, shoulder, love, tenderness... I'll give him everything. You see, I may sound cold or even heartless by saying things like "no relationships for me right now" but I'm still a hopeless romantic. I'm still a person who believes in love. In true love.
And perhaps the reason why I have shied away from relationships in the past, or the reason I get that claustrophobic feeling when I think I'm giving someone the wrong idea is because I simply know that it's not right.
I'd like to believe that it won't take looking at other people's relationships to prove that I can be in a relationship. Rather, it will take the man that will be worth it. I'm not going to be in relationships that I know just aren't the right fit. It wouldn't be fair to me, nor the other person. And that's something I'll say I'm against. I'm against two people being in something that is damaging towards them.
I'd also like to think that something will just click one day. That things will fall into place and that what's meant to be is truly meant to be and will be. And maybe that sounds too simple, or too cliche... but hey. I told you I'm still a hopeless romantic.
It is also the first time I'll be saying that without knowing I'll be back at school after summer vacation. I have such a mix of emotions inside of me right now that it is truly impossible for me to explain everything I'm feeling in words.
Surreal seems like one of the most appropriate word choices to describe my feelings towards this chapter's ending.
There had been many long nights, days, wee hours of the mornings when I'd cursed school to no end. There were essays I dreaded writing and exams that I walked into with the utmost terror (not to mention messy bun, bags under my eyes, sweatpants and hoodie attire.)
As a well-practiced procrastinator, many of my essay-related experiences involved me... My bedroom. My two best friends on Skype (you know who you are.) At least five cups of espresso. Facebook. YouTube. Papers. Notes. Garbage can full of notes. My nearby clock (ever-so politely displaying hour after excruciating hour pass by.) Some tears. Many body stretches. Many long glances around my room which turned into daydreams which often turned into two-three minute naps. I can't forget the glorious sunrise in all of this. Because I'd be lying if I said that most of my work was not completed (or in the final stages of completion) with the motivation of that beautiful sun rising. It is here where I thank my printer for pulling through. It is my belief that few people know the true pleasure of hitting the "Print" button until they've been through university.
Then there were the exams. Hours and hours of lectures, homework and studying widdled down into a two hour exam that really mostly tests your ability to control your nerves in such a case and remember just about... well, everything.
Lectures. There were certain lectures that I've blocked and erased from my mind completely. Lectures that were about two hours and 45 minutes too long. Lectures where I recorded about one line of notes but successfully organized my iTunes library, or pulled off a silent skype conversation with a friend, or beat eight consecutive solitaire games in a row, or even lectures where I spent most of my time texting and flirting with a certain someone.
So all this complaining. I should be happy to go. I should be running out the doors. Right? But as I sit here at 2:45 in the morning thinking about how this may be the last time I express, "I should get to bed soon... I have an early class" I also think about the good experiences, too.
I remember the first really, really good essay I ever wrote. It was in my Mass Communications class in first year. It was about Barbie and how I supported her rather than tear her down like most others do. I loved that essay and damn, I did well on it. I remember by first Public Relations class with Richard and how everything he described in that class seemed to scream, "Meltab!" I remember the reassuring feeling I felt that day - like I was on the right track or something.
While I can't really put my finger on a "fun" exam, I do chuckle thinking about some of the stresses I went through prior to some midterms. Frantically texting with classmates... desperately flipping through notes after notes and units after units trying to discover what certain terms meant... I also remember that feeling of finally being able to flip over the exam booklet and quickly skim the questions in the exam. I loved the feeling I'd get when I knew answers... recognized words and terms...
Yes, some lectures were difficult to get through but I'd have to say that most of them were pretty great. I was lucky to have quite a few professors who are true gems and I'll remember those special ones forever probably. I loved when our whole class would get involved in a deep discussion. As a group of public relations students, we tend to be a vocal crowd. Yes, there were definitely some lash-outs and probably name-callings along the way, but when these moments happened they always made class exciting.
I suppose one of the things I'll miss most about being a student is this lifestyle. The very lifestyle I sometimes hated. The very lifestyle that kept me up and caused countless all-nighters. The very lifestyle that caused me to step out of my house looking like a zombie. The very lifestyle that had made me repeat to myself so many times... "just three more years..." "just two more years, you're half way..." "just one more year, you're almost done..." to... tonight. "One more day."
The "school" aspect of school has definitely played it's hand, but being a student has also been all I've known my whole life. After tomorrow, I will no longer be a student. I'll eventually be an intern and then one day an employee... or a traveller or a blogger or an owner or... something.
I don't know. I do not know what the future holds and I suppose that is one of the thrilling parts of all this, too. Throughout my whole life I've always been a student and always left school knowing I'd soon be back to continue being a student. That chapter will be over by tomorrow at 3:20 pm and a new adventurous one will begin. It's scary, exiting, sad, satisfying, gratifying... surreal.
So here's to the last of so many blog posts I've written in the middle of the night, instead of doing other things (like sleeping) to better prepare myself for school tomorrow. Thank you so much for reading and being a part of this night and perhaps all the others you have read about.
Here's to this past chapter. Here's to school and being lucky enough to attend it.
I just want to stress the importance of not giving up.
Whether it's chasing a dream, going for a job, losing weight, marrying someone... giving up is always going to be an option. And it will almost always be the easier alternative.
But the true joys in life are worth it I'm sure. They're worth the time and effort. If you think about long-term happiness... it's just got to be worth it. Don't give up. Don't give up trying hard, eating right, working out, saving money, making videos, writing music, loving someone, fighting for something that matters.
But most of all, don't give up on yourself. You're the one who's going to get you there. You're the one who truly is the key to your own happiness.
Ten months ago I read a book that changed my life. Skinny Bitchby Rory Freedman and Kim Barnouin really did an outstanding job at making me take a look at myself and my body and the way I feel about my body. My body is a temple and what I put into it is what I will get out. If I eat unhealthy and gross foods I will, in turn, feel unhealthy and gross. Simple idea. Makes sense, doesn't it?
As I was reading this book there was a chapter called "You Are What You Eat" and the beginning of this chapter gave a warning. The authors explained that this particular chapter would reveal graphic information about the ways in which most animals are bred and slaughtered in order for us humans to eat them.
At the time, I literally read about two paragraphs and decided I was not ready to continue reading this chapter. I loved meat. It was summertime and I loved bacon in the mornings on the patio, I loved BBQing, I loved my dad's Armenian food dishes (many of which contain meat) and my closest friends and family know that I more than enjoyed my drunken street meat in the city whenever I was there.
The thought of becoming vegetarian had crossed my mind several times since I was about eighteen years old. I'd catch a snippet on the news or in the paper about the improper treatment of animals here and there and I'd feel sick about it. But then I'd smell the bacon or the BBQs or the rotisserie chicken at my place of work and realize I wasn't ready to give up meat. It was not my right time yet.
About a month after skipping this chapter my curiosity began to get the better of me. While hanging out with some friends someone eventually turned on a disturbing PETA video that had me in tears. At that moment I decided to reach for my Skinny Bitch book and read the chapter. Right then and there. With all my friends around I ignored them for about twenty minutes and read. I read everything.
When I finished the chapter I decided I no longer wanted to eat meat. Right at that moment I felt sick about it and simply did not want to have anything to do with what is going on in slaughterhouses and farms.
At this point I did not call myself vegetarian. I was not ready for such an extreme title and responsibility. What if this moment of pure disgust did not last long? What if I couldn't resist an intoxicated bite of pepperoni pizza? I simply said I was "not currently eating meat." In my mind I told myself that it is okay if I do eventually eat meat. This is just something I'm doing right now. Right now eating meat does not feel right for me. Right now I'm not eating meat. I may one day, but not right now.
About a month later I went to California where my Armenian family served me homemade Armenian food. I had a bit of chicken (at this point I had not made it official to anyone that I was 'vegetarian.') I felt sick for about twelve hours after I ate that meal. Upon my arrival home I knew that meat would be out of my life. I was ready. Upon my return I officially called myself Pescetarian (no land animals; but occasionally will eat seafood. Often an in-between stage for meat eaters to vegetarians.)
Before I stopped eating meat I was easily irritated by vegetarians or vegans who preached about the negatives of eating meat. I respected them for being vegetarian but at the same time I wanted respect for my choice as well. I promised myself I'd never be that kind of vegetarian.
People often ask me why I do not eat meat anymore... a few reasons. Meat has been proven to be extremely hard on human's digestive systems; our bodies simply are not made to naturally consume most meats. Hence, this feels like a healthy choice for me. I also have zero desire to eat an animal who was killed while feeling terror, confusion and panic.
"BUT MELISSA! If the animals are dead ANYWAY then it doesn't matter if you eat them or not! They're already dead! Someone else will!"
- 98% of meat-eaters.
Response: I chose to give up meat for me. Not for anyone else. Not to impress anyone or to become an activist. I started this because it felt right for me. I do not want to eat those animals. Whether "they're dead or not and someone else will eat them" did not affect my decision. I simply wanted a guilt-free eating experience.
Truth is, giving up meat was one of the easiest things I've ever done. I never thought I'd say that. Ever. But it was. Once I reached a point where I knew that it was time, I just stopped.
Jump to today. A friend of mine posted a disturbing video of animal cruelty titled From Farm to Fridge.
I haven't watched a video like this since nine months ago. I clicked play and within twenty seconds was crying. I simply cannot believe the kind of torture these animals go through to feed us.
I realize I'm about to go against what I'd said before (about how I would never be a preacher) but I'm asking that you hear this from me as merely someone who does not want to see animals being hurt instead of "that preachy, activist vegetarian biatch."
I honestly, have never, ever felt so helpless in my entire life. I'm sitting here at my kitchen table watching these defenceless animals going through actual hell and what can I do?
What can I do?
I'm filled with so much passion right now and I've never wanted to be a part of a change so eagerly in my whole life thus far. This does not have to be this way. There should be a way that people can eat guilt-free meat. A place where animals have a nice life and are killed with respect and the right treatment.
I personally, do not plan on eating meat, but I know there are billions of people who do and will continue to - and that is fine. That is their choice and I can respect that that is their choice. However, there must be some way to bring justice to the way in which these animals are treated.
After watching this video, writing this blog is literally the first thing I did. Still sitting here at the kitchen table with tears rolling down my face, hands cold and shaky. I don't know which organization to turn to, I'll have to do some research but I want to change this.
This is so wrong. I want to do something and be a part of an organization that I feel truly matters. Perhaps watching this video today has reiterated everything I needed to remember. I feel this overwhelming pull to act for these animals. This sense of helplessness felt terrifying. I cannot stand by and continue to do nothing. I'm going to try and make a difference. If even one little life is kept safe from torture I will be happy.
I can hear people's reactions to this post already. I can hear the negativity and the doubt and the tuning out, "there that girl goes... on a rant..." I don't care. Again, I'm doing this because it feels it's right. For me. Right now.
"The second time you fall in love with someone, you’re going to feel so relieved. When you get your heart broken for the first time, you can’t imagine loving someone else again or having someone else love you. You worry about your ex finding love before you do, you worry about being damaged goods. And then it happens. Someone else loves you and you can sleep well at night.
The second time you fall in love with someone, it’s going to feel different. The first time felt like a dream almost. You were untouched, untainted by anyone. You accepted love with wide open arms and desperation. “Love me, love me, love me!” So you did. And then it fell apart and left you shocked to the core. You realized that people could be cruel and break your heart. You realized that people could stop meaning the sweet things they said to you just yesterday. So when you go into it again, you’re going to keep in mind everything that you’ve learned. You’re going to say, “Love me, love me, love me…until you don’t. In which case, I would like some advance warning. Thanks!”
The second time you fall in love with someone, you’re going to compare it to your first love. That’s okay. That’s natural. You’re going to be studying the new love with judgement and wariness. “My ex never liked broccoli. Why the hell does this one eat so much broccoli?!” Discovering that you have the ability to love multiple people who are different and feel different is initially very jarring. Loving an unfamiliar body will leave you disoriented and in dire need of a map. That’s okay too. That’s to be expected. Just ask the new love for directions.
The second time you fall in love with someone, you’re going to suffer from a bout of amnesia. You’re going to poke and prod at your lover’s body and be like, “Wait, how do I do this again? How do I love you? I think it starts with us having a moment together in some coffee shop, right?” It’s going to feel scary at first. Falling in love is sort of like riding a bike though. You never really forget.
The second time you fall in love with someone, you’ll be a more sane person. Your first love is when you get all of your insanity out. You behave like an insane monster because your mind is freaking out about all these new powerful feelings. By the second time, however, you have an idea of what works and what doesn’t. It’s by no means perfect. The insanity will make a cameo at some point. “Peek a boo. I’m here! Hope you didn’t forget about me!” But you can usually shoo it away after awhile.
The second time you fall in love with someone, you will hopefully have better sex. Do not quote me on this.
The second time you fall in love with someone will still be exciting and you might even talk about moving in together or marriage. It will feel more “adult.” You have no idea what adult love actually is but you think it involves making coffee for each other in the morning and maybe even getting a dog. “This is my dog, Xan. I got him with the second person I fell in love with because that’s what you do! The first person I was in love with would’ve killed a dog.”
The second time will not be the first time. The first time is an insane magical life gift that you can never reclaim. But that’s okay. The second time is more real anyway. The second time can involve some amazing love."
It's so easy to get caught up in so many of life's issues and obstacles. We often stress out about school, work, money... relationships.
We find ourselves captivated and all caught up in the daily stresses of dealing with these issues that we forget to stop and appreciate the truly important and irreplaceable people in our lives... our friends.
Our closest, dearest, most treasured friends who seem too good and too big for such a simple word. They're not just friends. They're family. In fact, mine have become more than just family. They have become a part of me.
It's very easy to get hung up on the bad things, but at the very least, count your blessings. Always try to count your blessings.
I'm truly a believer in quality over quantity; and while I have a large group of friends who I truly enjoying being around, there are three women in my life whom I simply cannot imagine being without.
These three ladies know me inside and out and love me anyways. They are all collectively here for me whenever I need them and all three bring different loving characteristics to the table.
I really cannot remember my life without these three girls and I don't care to try. It's funny. We have mothers day, fathers day, valentines day... well, today I'm celebrating you three.
Celebrating and thanking you. In just one day, I've been lucky to talk to all three of you separately and have felt stronger and happier after talking to each one.
I don't know what I did to deserve such amazing friends but I count myself as one lucky person to have found them. All three of you are deeply embedded in who I am and I love you for it!
"Since birth modern women have been told that we can do and be anything we want, be an astronaut, the head of an internet company, a stay-at-home mom. There aren't any rules any more. Choices are endless. And apparently, they can all be delivered right to your door. But is it possible that we've gotten so spoiled by choices that we've become unable to make one? That part of us knows that once you choose something, one man, one great apartment, one amazing job, another option goes away? Are we a generation of women who can't choose just one from column 'A'? Did we all have too much to handle, or was Samantha right? Can we have it all?"
You're driving in your car and a song comes on the radio that you've never heard before. Its unique rhythm catches your attention. The instrumentals are perfect for your current mood.
You turn it up. Now you can hear the lyrics. Wow, what an incredible verse. Boom. Then the chorus hits you. It's perfect. You wouldn't change a single word.
The next verse finishes and you're starting to type a reminder in your phone to download this song as soon as you get home.
Swing open your door, quickly open your computer, google the lyrics, find the song, youtube the video. Hit that beautiful button: download.
The download takes a few minutes and your anticipation to hear the song again is growing wildly. There it is... finally, in your iTunes.
Play. Enjoy. Repeat.
Play. Enjoy. Pick out your favourite line. Repeat.
Play. Enjoy. Sing your favourite line. Post your favourite line on Twitter or Facebook. Repeat.
Play. Enjoy. Sing the whole song out loud. Send it to a friend. Put on your iPod. Play in car. Play while working out. Play while eating dinner. Play before going to sleep. Play when you wake up. Play when you brush your teeth , comb your hair, get ready for school, while waiting in line. You play this new song so often because you just can't get enough of it.
You love how you discovered it before anyone else did. You love how it's lyrics mean something special to you right now. You love the beat, tempo, flow.
Maybe you even tried listening to some other songs but none of them were as currently satisfying to you as this new one.
But then it happens.
You press play... it starts... and just a few beats into your song a new emotion emerges. You want to skip it. You've heard it too much. It doesn't give you that heart-race it once did. It doesn't make you want to blast it in your car. It doesn't give you goosebumps. Yes, unfortunately it has been - like so many others - overplayed.
Overplayed. Excessive.
How many times have we overdone something? Whether it's finding out a new favourite recipe, food, television show, trend, fad... What is it with so many people excessively over indulging?
Just like the song... when we find something good, it's as if we can't get enough of that good thing. There is no satisfaction. There is no rest. Until it all becomes too much and the entire ideal has been exhausted.
Why do we do it? We know that once we have the song downloaded we can listen to it whenever we want, yet we want to listen to it as much as possible to the point where it's very sound irritates us. This goes for food, relationships, entertainment.
People like to rush. People like to obsess.
Is it worth it? Will people ever understand that time is our friend? Or will they make the same mistake again with the next song they suddenly discover they love?
Will they repeat the same steps all over again?
Play. Enjoy. Appreciate a new track. Take sometime. Repeat.
Yes, it may be hard not to repeat the song at first. It's new and exciting and hey, I can't blame you for wanting more. Taking it slow, however, will surely play off when a month from now you still want to listen to that song, eat that food, wear that outfit, etc.
Yesterday I was serving about 4 tables at once. I despised one table, two of the others were alright and one table (with two young women, maybe late 20's) made my night so much better.
I'd never seen either of them before but they were so bubbly and happy and made a point to make conversation with me (which is always appreciated as a server.) They asked me how my night was going, asked me what kind of lipgloss I was wearing because they thought it was amazing and then they proceeded to tell me that they thought I was nice looking.
I may never see these girls again in my life but they effected me last night. That was so unnecessarily nice of them to make the effort to talk to me, to compliment me, to make me feel good.
Little acts of kindness are so rare in this day and age. They should be treasured. Holding the door open for a stranger, helping someone pick up something they dropped, offering directions to someone lost, sincerely asking how someone is feeling... smiling.
This can be a cold world and you can walk through it aimlessly in a fog for days. And then... there it is. Something, someone to bring you back and make you smile.
The thing about these little encounters is that often people do not even know they're affecting or even impacting this person.
I'm sure many of us have held doors open, smiled, offered assistance to people... and who knows? Maybe you impacted that person. Maybe they were lost. Maybe they were in a fog. Maybe you really helped them in more ways you thought you did.
By the end of their meal, the two girls thanked me for such nice service and within earshot from me briefly discussed amongst themselves how they're happy they told me they liked my lipgloss.
"Well, everyone she served tonight was probably looking at her lips and thinking they're gorgeous and sparkly and I bet no one said anything. Now, at least she knows that people admire them!" one girl said to the other.
Impact.
They didn't have to say anything. They didn't have to smile or ask how my day was going. They didn't know I was having a rough day. They didn't expect a free meal or discount out of it. They didn't think I'd be writing about them in my blog the next day.
People can walk around with hatred, jealousy, scepticism, doubt for days, weeks, months even years.
Maybe you'd experienced too many heart-breaks, let-downs, pit-falls... It's so easy to give up on it all. It is so easy to write everything off and say you're done with it all. Done with an old friend. Done with having faith, keeping faith. Done with love. Done with putting yourself out there.
Maybe I was skeptical. I know I was cynical about certain ideals for a while there. But I'm done with that now. Be who you want to be. Believe what you want.
If you think something can happen make it happen. If you want to put all of your feelings out there for someone or for yourself or for whoever just do it.
I went through a period of doubt where I thought that certain things in life were just impossible or fake or unachievable. How could I have felt so many pleasant feelings at one point in the past and have them suddenly stop dead in their tracks? After this happened I briefly decided that certain things were temporary. Nothing could last forever. I became an ice woman.
This wasn't me though. I'm not cold. I'm not emotionless. I do have feelings and I want to feel again. I shut out a lot of feelings and maybe hurt some people along the way and for that I'm sorry. I truly believe that to live fully you have to act on your emotions. I tried convincing myself of certain things but now those walls are down.
Be passionate.
Be spontaneous.
Be miraculous.
Feel.
Show your true self.
Say what you want.
Love.
Life is so short. To quote one of my favourite movies, Now and Then: "Well Samantha... Things will happen in your life that you can't stop... But that's no reason to shut out the world... There's a purpose for the good and for the bad... "
Sure, wearing your heart on your sleeve and truly believing in things may seem foolish to some people. Maybe dangerous. Maybe dumb. But I'm back to me now. And I don't think it's foolish. Or dangerous. Or dumb. I think it's brave. And courageous. And romantic.
I've been wanting to start up my blog again. I wanted to come back with a bang. I wanted to create a post that would have people exclaim, "my God. I've missed Mel's blog!"
I started a few posts and then stopped half way through. They're saved as drafts.
I can't seem to think up an idea... something to get my fingers typing insanely fast upon my keys like they once did when I was on a role. I can't seem to think of clever lines or intriguing ideas that literally get my heart racing.
...
...
So here I sit in my bed. Staring blankly at the screen and occasionally at my surroundings without a single idea.
I suppose much like other events in life, a blog needs coaxing. It needs inspiration. I feel I need to get some practice in before really writing a great post. This saddens me because I feel there once was a time when I was on a role. There was a time when I could write a post every day.
I feel like I'm back at the beginning and I need to start all over again. Sort of like those people who start working out all the time... lose a bunch of weight... feel great about themselves and then the holidays hit... the holidays turn into a few extra months and BAM. They're back at the beginning. Going back to the gym feels bitter sweet. Good to be back. But they know that they appear as if they've never stepped foot in a gym before. But they have. They have worked out here before. They have made a difference. It's just a matter of reconnecting with that person. Reconnecting with that devotion and passion.
I'm not saying I'm not enjoying writing this again. I just need to rediscover my rhythm.
I need to get back in touch with my creative side. I need to exercise and just write.
So here it is. My first blog post of 2012. It's not fantastic but it's a start. And I think that's all I need for now.
"Well, yes, ma'am, I do... I mean, I got everything I need right here with me. I got air in my lungs, a few blank sheets of paper. I mean, I love waking up in the morning not knowing what's gonna happen or, who I'm gonna meet, where I'm gonna wind up. Just the other night I was sleeping under a bridge and now here I am on the grandest ship in the world having champagne with you fine people. I figure life's a gift and I don't intend on wasting it. You don't know what hand you're gonna get dealt next. You learn to take life as it comes at you... to make each day count."
February 14 is probably one of the most controversial holidays on the calendar. This day stirs up an intense amount of emotions and passion - not all good, not all bad.
When I was a little girl it meant that I got to spend all February 13th writing class members' names on cute little red and pink cards my mom and I had purchased from the drugstore. It also meant that the next day I got to consume candy by the tons. It meant that I received adorable little presents from my parents like lovebugs, teddy bears, movies, etc.
Perhaps one of my favourite parts about Valentine's day as a young girl was the excited feeling in my stomach or the skip of my heart when I'd open up my Valentine's Day basket that our teachers always helped us create. These baskets would hold all of our cards and candies from classmates.
Would someone make a card for me? Would my crush remember how to spell my name? Would someone make their card or candies to me extra special?
Who? What? Why? These questions seemed so exciting.
As I got older I embarked different feelings about this day. My first Valentine's day with a real boyfriend was when I was in grade 10. He went all out: made a delicious dinner, got me roses, danced to my favourite songs with me. It all seemed very romantic. The next day we got in a fight and briefly broke up.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't more angry than upset about the break up. What had all of that Valentine's day sentiment even meant? Was it all just a show? Was it society's standard and pressure that made him do all of that special stuff on Valentine's day even if it meant nothing?
I grew a hatred for this day. How could Hallmark and the chocolate companies create such a shallow holiday? Did Valentine's day mean nothing? Should couples not be treating each other amazingly every single day? Should they not always appreciate each other and spoil each other with love?
For the next four Valentine's days I was against the whole conspiracy. I had boyfriends for three of the four Valentine's days and urged that we do nothing special. No sappy love songs, no flowers, no chocolate. I didn't want anything of the sort.
That brings me to today. February 14th 2011. Valentine's Day. Single. Adoring the idea of today.
Why? It's difficult to say.
I had thought I'd always feel disgust when it came to this day. I had been the one that denied all of the cuteness and sweetness of this day from my past two boyfriends for the past several years! Why the sudden change?
Perhaps it's the key aspect that I am single this year. The past three Valentine's days have been times when I'd been in a long-term relationships. I thought that this day was a slap in the face to the relationships that I was in.
Suddenly though, today is mysterious. I'm feeling the same feelings I felt so long ago when I was a little girl in a big class with so many possibilities.
Will I be sent flowers? Will I receive a special "Be my Valentine?" text message? Is someone out there thinking of me? Do I have a secret admirer?
Epiphany!
I have new feelings about this day. I feel like it's a day filled with hope, courage and mystery. In fact, more than ever I feel that this day is meant for the singles. That's what makes it cute and sweet. The mystery. The first gestures. The beginnings perhaps.
So. For the first time in quite a few years I will say the words "Happy Valentine's Day" without a pinch of sarcasm or mockery. I will really mean it. Whether you translate it to "go get the girl!" or "don't be afraid to show your feelings!" or "get the biggest teddy bear you can for them!" I really do mean it.
Between Cher's "It's in his Kiss" song and the countless movies I watched as a young girl kisses have always been crazy romantic to me.
Sex, hugs, letters, late night phone calls - yes, that's all great. And given the right content/timing/person those above can be highly romantic. This is true.
There is something about the kiss though. That very, very first kiss.
Hours, days, weeks, months even years of anticipation suddenly built up into one giant firework moment. Two pairs of lips finally meeting.
Eyes closed.
Images racing through your head perhaps. Maybe no images at all. Just blankness and fullness at the same time.
Perhaps one of the most appealing and romantic aspects of the first kiss is all about the doors that can now open between two people.
Sort of like cracking open a book for the very first time when it's still new and untouched. Just like those first cracking sounds as the book cover initially opens and a whole story waits in front of you.
One of my all-time favourite songs is "A Kiss to Build a Dream On" by Louis Armstrong. Indeed, as a romantic myself, when the kiss is special it just... stays in your mind forever I think.
I believe so far I've had two meaningful romantic relationships in my life. In both cases I remember that first kiss so clearly I could shut my eyes and feel like it was literally yesterday. Both times were extremely different from one another yet both have an equally memorable place in my heart.
The first kiss... you never know where it will take you. But that hope is there. That crazy-filled intensity. Perhaps a kiss to build a dream on...
Just thought I'd apologize for not writing for a few days. I got four of my wisdom teeth ripped out of my mouth on Wednesday and have been quite looped up on various amounts of drugs.
Just a few things about the whole experience:
It did not hurt! I'm not sure if I just had an incredible surgeon or incredible drugs but I felt no pain whatsoever for the past few days. I'm not sure what the big fuss is all about. Yes, my cheeks got extremely large on Friday and Saturday, and no I still can't open up my mouth very big for the moment, but throughout this whole process I have not felt any physical pain or discomfort.
Also, I just want to give a shout out to my parents who are both so amazing and nurturing. I must say, I quite enjoyed being treated like a little kid again and their pampering was truly appreciated. They are both so patient and caring individuals and they made this whole thing so much fun.
So thank you mom and dad! You rock. And thank you to the friends who were supportive as well =)
It's the age-old question: Can men and women be friends?
This question seems to date back for quite some time and I feel that although certain people have managed to make a platonic man/woman relationship work this particular kind of relationship continues to be somewhat of a grey zone and somewhat of a struggle.
In one of my favourite movies of all time, When Harry Met Sally, Harry simply states that men and women cannot be friends.
Please watch:
What defines a friend?
Someone who you enjoy spending time with; someone who you care for and who cares for you;someone who is there for you and vice versa.
There. Simple. We've defined friends in the simplest terms.
Perhaps the tricky part of men/women friendships is when a member of the friendship becomes involved with someone else. Suddenly there is an elephant in the room - and not just on the friendship end but for the intimate relationship side as well.
Boyfriends and girlfriends (though they may smile and make as though they're totally fine with the friendship) will undoubtedly have a strong curiosity about the "relationship" that their other half has with this opposite sex friend.
When the romantic relationship is new and fragile this friendship may not pose a problem, but as partners get more comfortable with one another and suddenly one is saying to their girlfriend: "Hey hun, tonight I'm going to go out with Claire and see a movie," believe me... a fist has (perhaps slightly) but most definitely clenched.
"Why does he want to spend time with her and not me?" "What is he doing with her that he can't do with me?" "If he's going to be doing something girly, or watching a chick flick, shouldn't he be doing it with me?"
Of course the situation is quite identical in a vice versa situation. If a female chooses to spend the night with a guy friend instead of her boyfriend I'm sure there are particular thoughts running through the boyfriend's mind that do not sit well.
So where does this leave us? Is it okay to have a friend of the opposite sex until one is suddenly in a relationship? Is there a loop hole to this problem that doesn't involve gay friends of opposite sex?
In When Harry Met Sally, the movie cuts to five years later when Harry and Sally run into each other again and he attempts to come up with an amendment to his first rule about men and women not being friends:
I suppose there is yet to be a known answer about this situation, at least from this particular blogger.
What if Harry is right and the sex part is always out there between men and women? Can a straight man and a straight woman really and truly have a platonic relationship where feelings of lust and jealousy cease to exist?
If so, what ingredients do these types of men/women friendships require? Does one friend have to be ugly? Do both friends have to be in a relationship? Does age play a factor? Do hang-outs have to include more than just the two friends?
Perhaps the answer is to try to block out these questions and just have a good time with a friend that you thoroughly enjoy being around. And until boyfriends, girlfriends and unavoidable questions come along just take pleasure in knowing you've got a Harry... or a Sally.
"I also will not discuss here all the reasons why I did still want to be his wife, or all his wonderfulness, or why I loved him and why I had married him and why I was unable to imagine life without him. I won't open any of that.
Let it be sufficient to say that, on this night, he was still my lighthouse and my albatross in equal measure.
The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving. I didn't want to destroy anything or anybody. I just wanted to slip quietly out the back door, without causing any fuss or consequences, and then not stop running until I reached Greenland."
- Eat, Pray, Love [novel]
Perfectly describing something that was too difficult to put in words at a time.
I suppose one of the biggest beauties of having a large collection of videos and pictures is the chance to look back on yourself from years ago.
I often look at myself and ask "what was I thinking?" or think about the fun I was having just at that precise moment the photo or video was captured.
What was I feeling? What made me smile like that? In what way were these people in the picture a part of my life back then?
Indeed, I do love looking back but after my nostalgic road trip I sometimes end up feeling a longing for the old days. Don't get me wrong, I love where I am in my life at this moment but every so often, after looking at old videos and pictures, I feel a yearning to go back to that certain place in time... maybe just for even a couple hours.
High school brings up a roller coaster of feelings for everyone I think. Those four years were so enjoyable at times and so dramatically stupid at others. I remember being excited to graduate but at the same time being scared to leave the comfort that high school had always brought me.
Anyway, many people say they'd never go back to high school - that they're happy they're out of there and will never look back. I don't know. There are definitely times when I, of course will cringe at certain high school memories but today I think I'd enjoy going back.
I've just watched a few videos and gone through a few pictures from my high school dance team's NYC trip in grade 12 and I suddenly miss all the people there and all the feelings I felt at that time so much.
I then got to thinking about the people there and what they're doing now. Some I've completely lost touch with and don't have a clue about what they're doing in life and others I haven't seen in quite some time.
Well, here it is: a little high school shout out to those that at one point meant so much to me and to those who still, though not seen as often, should know they have a very special place in my heart.
There comes a time of year when a person must look inside themselves... deep into their soul... outreach to every corner of their mind and personality to make one final decision...
What to be for Halloween.
The yearly struggle between choosing something cute or something skanky... something creative or something classic... something that keeps you warm when outside or something that covers pretty much the only body parts that manage to stay warm no matter what the amount of clothing.
I myself have always sprung for creative/cute and am quite proud to say that I've never actually purchased a Halloween costume before.
While I've always quite enjoyed making my costumes, this year I may have to purchase a main part of the costume in order to pull off the creativity I'm going for. Make sense? Probably not.
You'll know more upon seeing this costume I've chosen once I reveal it to the world on October 31.
Just getting this out here before more than one person reads my last blog... but I just posted it this morning so I should have a few days ... However....
One of my best friends, Danielle pointed out to me that my last blog (Lady Like) was well-written, she got/understood the message but she brought up a good point: I've definitely made it seem as though there's a double standard.
Hmm... I will agree with her. There are many double standards in this day and age - far less than there were decades ago, but nevertheless they still exist.
There are certainly double standards that benefit or limit both males and females and while we can imagine living in a "perfect world" where double standards don't exist I suppose we must simply grin and bare it in the meantime.
One may ask me: so why can't men be GENTLEMEN when it comes to sleeping around? Why is it just up to women to be LADIES? Hmm... should I use what seems to be an obvious double standard to answer this question?
Women are smarter?
No, I won't. I suppose I'll simple say: to each his (or indeed, her) own.
Perhaps I expect too much from women and that could be a double standard against men that I should be working on getting out of my head.
"Welcome to the age of un-innocence. No one has breakfast at Tiffany's and no one has affairs to remember." - Sex and the City
Where have all the ladies gone?
I'm not talking about females in general, we've been seeing more and more of us women out there in the "real" world haven't we?
I'm talking about ladies. Women with class. Women with dignity.
I'm all for pro-choice and through this I am pro-lifestyle. Everyone can act the way they want so forgive me if this blog is about to sound preachy.
With having a choice to take the house-wife role or the independent-business-woman role (or both if you can handle it - woo Mom!) I have continued to find a certain trend in the women that have chosen the "independent role."
There's this "I am me; I do what I want, who I want, when I want" attitude that seems to be very popular recently. There is nothing wrong with this. We can do whatever we want.
Believe me, I am very independent myself. In fact, I'm all for being self-sufficient and in charge - however there is most definitely a way about doing it.
What am I talking about?
I'm talking about sex. Relationships. "Quick choices" if you will.
Somewhere along the lines, it is my belief that women have come to believe that independence and sexual expression are one in the same.
For goodness sake's women, please have some self-respect and be classy.
If you choose to sleep around or have exciting but ever so quick relationships, attempt to do it with a bit of grace and fabulousness.
There's a reason why many women often refer to men as pigs: because of the way many men speak about women, the way many men recklessly demote women and laugh about it later... you're feeding fuel to the fire!
I'm thinking Samantha Jones may have had something to do with this movement which breaks my heart because this is not what Samantha Jones is about. Women are distorting her message - they've read too much into it and they're turning it into a negative outcome.
Samantha Jones is one of my idols! She has a fabulous career, solid friendships and an extremely hot sex life. Yes, she's had sex with many, many, many men but she did it in an elegant and tasteful manner.
She did not go around shouting from the rooftops that she's had sex with another man; she didn't use vulgarities that devalued her... she was refined. Of course she had some rare moments when she felt she had to make a statement - but these are the few times when Samantha seems weak - not strong.
I suppose my message is: ladies... be ladies! You may think you're taking two steps forward but you are in fact, taking five steps back.
Samantha: Relationships have declined since women came out the cave... ...looked around and said, “This isn't so hard.”
Carrie: So you don't need a man, but do you still want one?
Samantha: I want more than one.
Carrie: I can't decide whether you represent our future or our demise.
My Thanksgiving weekend has been quite amazing. I spent time with the people I really love and got do a lot of things that may not have been great for my waistline but were completely and 100% enjoyable.
My weekend started off with my best friend and that's how you know you're in for a great time. We went grocery shopping and practically cleaned out the place.
We cooked our traditional
Thanksgiving meal and even created our own recipe for potatoes!
The rest of the weekend was filled with Thanksgiving episodes of Friends, spending time with my brother who is home from university, YouTubing and tonight my mom made a meal for the record books: tender turkey, creamy mashed potatoes, scrumptious stuffing, steaming vegetables and smooth gravy.
Basically right now I am just incredibly thankful for everything and everyone in my life. I'm so thankful (and lucky) for my family and friends, I'm so
thankful for all of my good fortunes (my education, my job, my abilities) and I'm thankful
as well to all of you reading this!
I hope all of your Thanksgivings have given you a moment to pause and realize how precious life is and how we can truly appreciate life when we are thankful for it.
Does this make sense? Hope so. Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!
As Charlotte York once quoted, "it takes half the amount of time you dated someone to get over them."
There continues to be an ever so quickly growing list of the do's and don'ts of break-up steps to get over the person whom you once shared an intimate relationship with...
Get rid of all pictures together
Delete their number from your phone
Hide presents they gave you
Get drunk with friends on would-be anniversary
All of the above are little tricks and tips handed down from woman to woman trying to get over and stop wanting to get under an ex.
These "rules" - if you will - all pertain to one’s personal benefit. But what about the other rules? The do’s, the don’ts and the politics of the break apart from a person.
For instance….
When is okay to ask them for your movies back?
“Hey, I’m sorry for breaking your heart, but can I have my Back to the Future DVDs back?”
How about when you can give them back their stuff?
Is dropping old shirts, movies, hairbrushes, and cell phone cases in the mailbox bad taste?
How about birthdays and holidays?
Is wishing them a happy birthday or Merry Christmas leading them on?
How weird is it that at one point in time two people were totally in sync, totally in love, totally comfortable, totally natural with one another and suddenly there are questions upon questions on the proper way to communicate – or if to, at that.
